Match made in hell
In a relentless and often uncompromising pursuit of perfection and admiration through various methods of enhancing one’s self-image, the narcissist (person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder) inevitably feels drawn towards those who exhibit codependent traits: they maintain and boost the narcissist’s self-image, providing narcissistic supply, as well as enabling their toxic ways and influence. At the incipient stage of the relationship, whilst the mask hasn’t slipped and reality hasn’t seeped through the well-fabricated illusion, the pairing seems like a match made in heaven. In time, it becomes obvious they are both quite damned, as their relationship starts morphing into something toxic. Since narcissists are not in touch with their feelings and true selves, and codependents derive their sense of self from their relationships, particularly from the feeling of being needed, they’re often incapable of forming a meaningful bond with one another. Without an awareness of self-sabotaging patterns that trap you in dysfunctional relationships, you might find yourself on a path of disempowerment and self-annihilation.
The underlying similarity: an unstable sense of self
The codependent is a giver, putting other people’s needs before their own and bypassing their emotions for the sake of their partner, whilst the narcissist is a taker, who only cares about their own needs. When something goes wrong, the codependent takes all responsibility for their partner’s emotions and blames themselves for their unhappiness or discontent, whilst the narcissist is known to shift the blame. Outwardly, it might seem like they are polar opposites that complete each other through their differences. In reality, the behavioural patterns of both narcissistic and codependent individuals have their roots in an unsubstantial sense of self that requires a coping mechanism.
The narcissist’s adaptive response is to create a false, idealised self that revolves around worshipping their self-image at the expense of the authentic self – which tends to be cast into oblivion. The codependent, on the other hand, relies on a self-concept that is defined in relation to their partner: if the relationship fails or they fail to satisfy their partner, they perceive themselves as a failure, and their self-worth plummets.
It is clear that both approaches are unhealthy and not conducive to genuine self-fulfilment. This becomes apparent over time. By that point, however, the two will probably have entangled with each other to a degree that makes it seem impossible to escape.
Their identities will have merged: the narcissist tends to see the codependent as an extension of the self, he or she interacts with their partner as a mental construct, or, in psychoanalytic terms, as the “internal object” (the inner symbolic representation of another) in a way that simply reaffirms their ego superiority, whilst in the mind of the codependent boundaries between self and other are blurred, as they engulf themselves into the relationship. Due to the uncertainty and insecurity within their inner world of object relations, neither of them sees the true self of the other. Escaping this poisonous symbiosis/enmeshment and working on their relationship with themselves requires, first and foremost, self-awareness. This first step is challenging for them, due to the unstable sense of self – an aspect which is sometimes deeply rooted in their childhood. It’s not enough to be aware of the nature of the problem, however – they also have to have the power and the will to break the pattern.
Emotional intimacy issues
The narcissist and the codependent have intimacy issues and often exhibit traits and behaviours associated with emotional immaturity. Narcissists, especially overt narcissists (the typology most people associate the term “narcissism” with) are often counter-dependent – they are afraid of intimacy, which tends to prevent them from experiencing true intimacy.
Counterdependents take pride in their self-sufficiency, uncompromising independence, and control. Narcissists are averse to vulnerability, as well as having a fear of abandonment that is disguised and hidden behind their psychologically impenetrable façade. Investing in someone else emotionally on a deep level would put them at risk of suffering, so they tend to be emotionally detached. They envelop themselves in this fossilised shell that their partner attempts to see through, usually in vain.
Simultaneously, the codependent has low levels of self-love and they are often either unaware of what a healthy relationship should look like or they are aware but unable to break up with their partner or reinforce their boundaries. The codependent might initially fully throw themselves into the relationship with the narcissist, but then, as the relationship progresses and he or she realises they are in an unsafe environment in which the narcissist weaponises their weaknesses, they start having issues with emotional intimacy and feel reluctant or overly careful about what they share with their partners. They can’t fully be themselves around their partner. They become afraid of emotional intimacy or their already existing fears become confirmed and they no longer want to reveal their vulnerabilities, remaining confined within themselves whilst avoiding self-expression. They even lose connection with their own feelings and in some cases end up dissociating in order to cope with an unfavourable situation, rather than breaking up with a problematic partner.
Despite the counterdependent tendencies of the narcissist, their insatiable ego usually requires constant appreciation – also known as narcissistic supply, so they also have an interest in perpetuating the vicious cycle. The connection between the narcissist and their codependent partner is therefore often insubstantial and superficial: They need and enable each other, but are afraid to connect on a deeper level.
The narcissist thrives on being appreciated, whilst the codependent wants to be needed – these are the main aspects that make them tick. They share a deep-seated fear of abandonment. Connecting authentically and allowing themselves to be real and aligned with their true selves most of the time would represent a threat to their fluctuating self-worth, as it might damage that essential drive which emerges from an unhealthy place. It would be a risk that would trigger their fears of abandonment and resurrect the phantoms of emotional trauma.
The elusive and controversial question: Do narcissists feel emotions and real empathy?
Some people believe that narcissists are incapable of feeling, in that they lack the capacity for emotion, hence they are considered a lost cause in the context of relationships. Other scholars have suggested that the narcissistic mindset is merely a reaction, a defence mechanism to combat the likelihood of suffering and not being in control, of being at the mercy of one’s emotions.
Emotions can be perceived as threatening and destabilising, hence narcissists consider that it’s better to detach themselves in order to be strong and infallible. In the process, they lose touch with their emotional side, no longer understanding their emotions. For this reason, instead of forming genuine connections, narcissists interact with others and process traces of emotions through an intellectual or analytical filter.
They don’t see others for what they are – they interact with mental constructs that they have created of others, with extensions of themselves created in order to reinforce their self-image. When people around them act out of line, they feel threatened. They restructure the existence of their significant others in their minds in order to not feel threatened by their individuality. A narcissist’s relationship with reality is distorted, in the sense that they are divorced from the reality of emotions. This is what allows them to sometimes act in ways which would hint at a lack of emotionality. It is a form of self-delusion. Emotion is a key aspect of our human experience, hence they might also feel inadequate at times, in rare moments of self-awareness. Narcissists don’t integrate their emotional parts, as they prefer to experience the world without worrying about not being in control, to live in an ideal world in which they are perfect and not subjected to the unpleasant side of being human – suffering, unsafety, insecurity, powerlessness. They also don’t integrate other people’s experiences and emotions.
It is generally acknowledged that narcissistic individuals can have enhanced cognitive empathy, even if their emotional empathy is inhibited. This is why they are so good at psychological penetration, being able to detect others’ emotions and behavioural patterns, whilst at the same time not connecting with them on a deep level, which allows them to manipulate others and put their own interests before anyone else’s needs. They can emulate good behaviour, empathy, and displays of emotions in the process of creating an image that compels and appeals to their (potential) significant other emotionally, but they tend to remain emotionally detached, enveloping themselves in a psychological fortress.
Psychiatric and mainstream terminology. Narcissism in psychiatric terms and narcissism as a trait within a spectrum. Types of narcissism.
Before further analysing the complex relationships between narcissists and codependents, I would like to clarify some common psychiatric terms, as well as drawing a distinction between the use of the words in mainstream vernacular and psychiatric terminology.
When I talk about narcissism and narcissistic individuals in this article, I am usually referring to people who exhibit the set of beliefs, patterns, and behaviour which would make them likely to be diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). There is a significant difference between people who exhibit varying degrees and fluctuations of narcissistic traits versus those who have narcissistic personality disorder, hence meeting the criteria of extreme manifestations of (toxic) traits that cross into the realm of the pathological.
Narcissism can be viewed on a spectrum (continuum): on the far left, we have deficient levels, then at the centre of the narcissistic spectrum there is a healthy, stable, “normal” dose of narcissism, and towards the other end, we have pathological, destructive narcissism – NPD.
Healthy narcissism is glorified, beneficial, perhaps even necessary in contemporary society, because it is associated with self-love, a positive sense of self, high levels of self-worth, emotional resilience, and the feeling of being special. Striving to become the best version of you is not problematic.
This is different, however, from the false, idealised self constructed by individuals with NPD to replace the real self– which is associated with negative feelings that are repressed. As previously mentioned, narcissists don’t have a stable sense of self, relying too much on external factors to feed the ego and the image – aka ‘narcissistic supplies’, whilst being devoid of deep emotion (feeling only fleeting, intense but shallow and transient emotions) and not possessing a healthy sense of self relying on being authentic and in touch with their emotions rather than identifying with an image constructed to successfully face the world.
The toxic behaviour exhibited by narcissists who are driven by a need to be worshipped and viewed as superior, can be a nightmarish challenge and a curse, both to those around the narcissist and, ultimately, to the narcissist. It disrupts your happiness, your life, and inner peace, and particularly, that of those around you. When you pursue narcissistic supply at the expense of others’ needs, instead of nurturing and honouring your true self, it affects your interpersonal relationships and prevents you from establishing a genuine, meaningful connection to others and to yourself.
As far as NPD is concerned, there are different shades of narcissists as well: the classical, most well-known and widely recognised type of narcissism is overt narcissism. There is also a less recognisable, more subtle typology of narcissism: the covert narcissistic personality.
The covert narcissist displays common narcissistic traits such as a sense of superiority and entitlement, grandiosity, expectation of special treatment, a lack of or diminished empathy for others, manipulative tendencies, and a need for admiration. However, as opposed to overt narcissists, who are ostentatious and can be spotted through their exhibitionist behaviour and sometimes obnoxious bravado, the covert ones are more reserved, potentially introverted, and not as transparent or easy to read; it might take longer for the narcissistic traits to seep through the surface and be detected.
The covert narcissist has fantasies of grandeur and daydreams about achieving unlimited fame, success, beauty, or some type of recognition of superiority, just like the overt narcissist, but is less likely to act in a way that implies that, either because of their vulnerability and tendencies to victimise themselves, due to introversion or an awareness that arrogance is counter-productive and unpleasant. The covert narcissist is more likely to resort to victimisation and guilt tripping within a relationship. The covert narcissist sometimes also qualifies as co-dependent and is attracted to overt narcissists – who tend to be counter-dependent.
Codependency is not considered a diagnosable disorder: it is a trait which can, however, be associated with or overlap with certain disorders if it is taken to extremes. Certain traits that are characteristic of Cluster C personality disorders and Cluster B disorders (particularly Dependent Personality Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder), can coincide with traits associated with Codependency. The essence of codependency is the tendency to rely on others to establish a sense of self and the need to feel in control of others (in their own way, which is different from the narcissistic way). Codependents have a clingy nature, a habit of prioritising other people’s needs above their own, an inclination towards enmeshment in relationships with narcissists, and an inability to set healthy boundaries. They also often get into situations in which they end up in denial and resort to emotional repression.
“Good-natured” type of manipulation: Narcissistic seduction – How the relationship starts and why codependents are more likely to be lured in
The narcissist’s craving for control influences the way in which they relate to others. Using manipulation and seduction tactics to lure their partner in, narcissists tend to follow a recognisable pattern.
At first, many narcissists (with some exceptions), employ the “good-natured” type of manipulation, characterised by love bombing (praise, admiration, appreciation, listening, sweetness, incessant gifts). They create a false, idealised self that mirrors their romantic interest or the image that they think the romantic interest has of an ideal partner.
As in most interactions, they project a grandiose image of perfection, success, or power, with a focus on status, physical attractiveness, impressive intellect, superior skills, and so on (other superlatives). Wanting to please your partner and make a good impression by presenting the best version of you is not inherently wrong. Everyone has a persona and a tendency to present themselves in a positive light, especially in a romantic context. For the narcissist, it goes much further and deeper than that, especially because their sense of self is warped and constantly shifting. I will elaborate on the distinction between the false self of the narcissist and the Jungian concept of persona, or social mask we all adopt further down below.
In the case of love-bombing, what we are talking about is taking such behaviour to extremes and acting in an intense way that is often unusual for the nature or duration of the relationship. There is also a sense of exhibiting this behaviour for manipulative purposes, with an ulterior motive – usually wanting to advance towards the next stage of the relationship too quickly, to take it to the next level at an unusual pace that their romantic interest would normally be uncomfortable with, if they think this would be something you would fall into. Otherwise, they might resort to different tactics.
Unfortunately, the answer to the question of whether it is a form of manipulation or not, can sometimes only be found in retrospect. The romantic interest might not realise if it’s a charade or not, and to what extent it’s just pretence. At the time, they might get a vague impression that everything seems too good to be true. It might not sound like a red flag for everyone and everything should be considered in light of the grand pattern, the entire set of behaviour, and all the signs.
The truth is that love-bombing is a technique that works particularly well on codependents, because of their needy nature, craving for validation, and re-affirmation of the self through the other. The creation of the idealised self in the case of the narcissist is also facilitated in relations with a codependent, because codependents tend to put their partners on a pedestal anyway, so they find it easier to believe the illusion and get sucked into this dynamic.
Negative manipulation tactics: How the relationship with the narcissist usually progresses and why the codependent is likely to stick around, despite their unhappiness
You might think to yourself: So far so good. Constant tokens of appreciation and an ideal partner, who would really complain? What follows after the good-natured manipulation, however, is a succession of red flags.
The semblance of heaven might turn into something hellish. The negative parts start piercing through the idealised self. The heavenly experience is clouded by negative manipulation tactics – gaslighting (making the partner doubt their perception of reality), boundary testing, boundary breaks, triangulation, isolating the partner from their loved ones, devaluation, and potentially discarding – which is often temporary.
Most people with high self-worth and healthy ways of relating with others would leave or take measures as soon as the personality shift happens. Codependent individuals don’t. They get attached. They want to see the best in the other. They remind themselves of the good times. In fact, due to the intermittent reinforcement, the good times – filled with affection, gifts, and compliments – might still be present, it’s just that they are simple distractions from the bad parts and the toxic behaviour.
The personality shift could start with an outburst of narcissistic rage, not necessarily directed at them, initially. There are subtle hints and red flags before everything spirals down into an abusive situation: How they treat the waiter on a date, how they act around people they don’t need something from, or people who don’t put them up on a pedestal. This can be followed by the need to one-up their partner, or the tendency to subtly diminish their success and to test their boundaries.
Manipulation can be insidious, until it starts coming into view, when the false self starts breaking apart. It can also manifest itself through triangulation – toxic comparisons, bringing a new person in and pitting two people against each other so they fight for their affection, all meant to make the narcissist feel important. This could include orchestrating a situation in which they induce hostility, trying to turn one person against another to create drama. Planting seeds of doubt in the minds of their partner. They might lie or induce negative feelings about the other.
Malignant narcissists take the negative behaviour to the extreme, resorting to intimidation, insults, shaming, demeaning or undermining remarks, or not-so-subtle emotional abuse – even actual physical abuse. The malignant narcissist is always trying to make their partner feel inadequate in some way through insults, because it makes them feel in control, diminishing their own insecurities and assuaging their fear of abandonment, of not being enough.
If they can’t find a real fault or flaw in their partner, they will invent one. The narcissist may directly or indirectly diminish their partner’s confidence and erode their sense of self, as well as isolating them from their family or friends in order to have power over their partner and ensure they remain dependent on the relationship.
They are emotionally manipulative and have the tendency to try to damage their partner’s self-esteem to keep them around, making them feel like they have to improve to please them, so they don’t have to focus on themselves, their flaws, insecurities, and what they should improve. This relieves them from the burden of self-doubt and insecurity, the feeling that they are repressing – that of being unlovable, inadequate, inferior. It’s the adaptive response employed by the narcissist’s fractured psyche, leaving their codependent counterpart feeling unfulfilled and resentful, but unable to leave, because of their own inner wounds and trauma.
Piercing through the façade: The discrepancy between the constructed, idealised self and the real self. The false self of the narcissist versus the Jungian concept of persona.
What lies behind the surface, beyond the protective layers and the polished image of the false, made up self?
There is a notable discrepancy between a narcissist’s charming, idealised self versus their authentic self. The latter tends to be alienated, repressed, and cast into oblivion, being deemed as weak. It’s a protective mechanism against narcissistic injury. Eventually, the narcissist ends up identifying with the grandiose self-image they conjure up – a narrative of omnipotence, high status, infinite power, and psychological impenetrability. Meanwhile, the real self becomes so fractured and distorted that it is hard to access or restore even in the rare cases when the narcissist ends up in therapy sessions (they don’t tend to seek treatment).
Since the true self deteriorates as the false self is continuously nurtured and replaces the true self, this creates an inevitable, strong dysfunctionality that is hard to undo. The false self might emulate the true self, borrowing emotions, sets of beliefs, values, and behaviour from it in order to function well in the world and pass as normal, for the purpose of obtaining validation and approval from others – an aspect upon which their constructed self relies.
However, the narcissist tends to dislike the true self, and any glimpses of its unpleasantness (emotional powerlessness, fear, shame), which is also why they reject people who mirror those parts they dislike in themselves and why they end up devaluating their partners. They often project their negative feelings on others, especially their partners, and end up feeling repulsed by their partners when they perceive them as weak, less than perfect – as this reminds them of their imperfections. Turning towards or acknowledging the true self would make the false self – and the fantasies it sustains – crumble.
There is a notable distinction between the false self of the narcissist and the social persona of non-narcissistic individuals. It is true that people often prefer to act in certain ways that are conducive to good outcomes in social and romantic situations, including showing up as the best version of themselves, but most people try to achieve a balance and don’t compromise or lose touch with their true self and their values, beliefs, and self-concept in the process.
Whilst trying to impress someone, for instance, people who don’t exhibit psychopathological conditions might omit certain aspects that they are self-conscious about or that they are unsure their partners would find attractive, but this process cannot be compared with the construction of an entirely new self and the tendency of pretending to be someone else, which is what happens in the case of the narcissist. Mirroring the gestures and behaviour of someone you are interested in and attracted to is normal to a certain degree, but in the case of narcissists it’s taken to extremes, it’s not natural, it’s contrived, and there’s usually a ulterior motive – to create a sense of connection that they don’t truly feel.
Behind this habit of reflecting the traits of the ideal partner in order to be liked, there is no substance to their personality and sense of self. There is an emotional void underneath. Most people with a healthy sense of self strive to have a balance – they don’t fully pretend, so the discrepancy between their persona and their authentic self is not as significant, or, at least, doesn’t conceal an emotional void and a deteriorated self-concept. Narcissists are mirroring you as well as the idealised concepts you might have in your mind, that they may have inferred by analysing you (they can read people well due to high levels of cognitive empathy).
Projection
Projective processes are very common in narcissistic relating. Because narcissists don’t tend to have a stable basis for self-love and self-worth, they project their negative feelings onto their partners.
At times, their codependent partner will reflect or embody aspects or traits that the narcissist wants to repress in themselves, so, out of their need for self-preservation, they reject and devalue their partner, trying to shame them for those attributes they remind them of. They prefer to live in a fantasy world where they are infallible.
Even if the relationship is not that extreme or their codependent partner is resilient and plays along as they don’t want to upset them, thus tolerating their bad moments and unacceptable behaviour, the narcissist eventually either gets bored or sees the other as weakfor not standing up for themselves, so they discard them – at least temporarily.
This is a vicious cycle. Perhaps you appeared powerful at the beginning, in the honeymoon period: you were self-confident, but since they chipped away at your power, you lost your initial spark, and now they blame you for it. They liked you until you changed for them. Even if their partner was not codependent, they might start projecting traits they don’t like in themselves onto them (traits which they’ve hidden away) and be repulsed by their perception of them. They might also guilt-trip them, making them feel like they have done something wrong to them, rather than the other way around. Covert narcissists are very likely to play the victim merely to guilt-trip you.
Dissecting the mind of the codependent. Why are people with codependent traits likely to be attracted to and stick around narcissists?
The term “codependent” has its origins in relationships with people with substance use disorders. It is often used in family settings, in which one family member is an alcoholic with a toxic, problematic behaviour, and another member of the family (the codependent) enables this person’s behaviour. This was the initial use of the word, which has since become relevant and used in relationships with people with extreme personality traits such as NPD as well. The image of the codependent is associated with words such as the enabler, the martyr, the rescuer. These words reflect what lies at the core of the codependent: the need to be needed, to save another person from themselves, even at the expense of their own peace of mind and mental health.
The reason behind this self-destructive tendency is the need for control and the need to define themselves through their relationship with someone else. In a way, codependents manipulate others as well, in order to maintain control, even if they are not corrosive like (overt) narcissists. Codependents have a strong inclination towards people-pleasing, and this is a vibe that the narcissist picks up right away and uses to their advantage. When they get involved in a romantic relationship, codependents often neglect other responsibilities and relationships, even profession, turning all their attention and affection towards their partner: the narcissist becomes their whole world. This devotion helps maintain the grandiose self-image of the narcissist, feeding their ego, whilst reinforcing the codependent’s fluid sense of self in unhealthy ways.
Internalising the emotions of their partner and having blurred lines between self and other, the codependent turns inward when they feel wounded by the narcissist, rather than communicating their emotions and holding their partner responsible for their mistreatment. The pleasing codependent enables the narcissist to continue in his or her toxic ways, as they don’t set clear boundaries or send any strict, serious warnings. Their boundaries are fluid, not immutable. They take on all responsibility and blame, downplaying the other’s behaviour, impact, and the effect of emotional abuse, not expressing their emotions or opening up to others about their experience and the narcissist’s tendencies, taking on the role of “flying monkey” in relation to others, or allowing themselves to be triangulated. Flying monkeys are people that the narcissist surrounds themselves with, who support their narrative and sustain their self-delusion. Codependents tend to be conflict-avoidant, so they don’t challenge their partner. Both narcissists and codependents want to control the other in their own way and they enable each other’s unhealthy relational patterns.
What is echoism? Echoism versus codependence.
In Greek mythology, the figure of Echo is closely related to that of Narcissus. The term “narcissism” is derived from Narcissus, the young man who becomes so mesmerised by his own image in a lake that he wastes away whilst looking at it. In the same myth, Echo is a nymph whom Hera punishes by taking away her unique voice and capacity to express her thoughts, so that she can only echo other people’s words. When she encounters Narcissus in the forest, she falls in love with him, but faces rejection and, despite that, she clings onto him. Similarly, echoists nowadays have a needy nature, an undefined identity and sense of self, and are unaware of and incapable of voicing their own desires and preferences, hence they prefer to cling onto other people’s identities as a way to define their own. Echoists are also afraid of being perceived as self-centred or attention-seeking, being averse to praise and attention. Unlike narcissism (and like codependence), echoism is not acknowledged as a personality disorder, it is a trait found on a spectrum. However, echoist traits should not be ignored in a therapeutic context. Echoism is less frequently talked about in a psychoanalytic or therapeutic context, but this concept has been elaborated by various mental health professionals in relation to narcissism, including Craig Malkin in his book “Rethinking narcissism” and Donna Savery in her book on Echoism, in which she explored how she encountered two facets of this phenomenon in her clinical practice: the defensive echoist and the self-destructive echoist.
Donna Savery delves into the myth of Narcissus and Echo in detail, pointing out that the dynamic between Narcissus and Echo emulates the relationship between Zeus and Hera. In her interpretation, Hera feels resentful because of Zeus’ behaviour, and, out of resentment, she punishes Echo by silencing her voice, so she, too, will experience the powerlessness of being with a narcissist. Narcissus is Zeus’ mortal version. Echo still suffers because of Narcissus even after he is no longer in her life, physically: she relates to his symbolic representation in her mind, his “inner object”. This inner relationship poisons the psyche. Narcissus’ presence fills a void within her, whilst also devouring her psyche. She shifts from resentment to pity as she witnesses Narcissus’ tragic fate and degradation. This is often what happens in the relationship between narcissists and codependents as well.
The concepts of echoism and codependence overlap in many ways: both share the aspect of an unstable sense of self, as well as the focus on echoing other people’s needs whilst neglecting their own, the struggle when it comes to setting boundaries and expressing their needs and desires, the inability to identify what bothers them and what they enjoy, and self-blame. One possible distinction would be that echoists don’t necessarily feel inclined towards or guided by the need to be in control. If unaddressed, echoism can progress into depression and other issues. Echoists can also gravitate towards the other end: counterdependence.
The underlying issues and potential causes / traumas that lead to the formation of these patterns
There are many potential causes for the development of codependent and narcissistic patterns of relating. One common, classical one is narcissistic parenting, leading to the formation of unhealthy, dysfunctional attachment styles. A narcissistic parent’s personality (just like the personality of a parent with a substance use disorder or extreme personality traits) can be detrimental to the child’s sense of self.
Narcissistic parenting can involve an overly critical attitude, diminishing kids’ accomplishments and aspirations, shaming, and not paying attention to their needs. Children sometimes feel like they need to meet the parents’ needs at the expense of their own, so they become alienated from their own needs. If their parents are alcoholics, abusive, unstable, or narcissistic, children can end up assuming the role of the caregiver to support and calm them down or silencing their own voices to avoid being a burden, receiving negative attention, or triggering an outburst of rage.
This pattern dictates future tendencies in relationships: Some people gravitate towards narcissists in relationships because it feels familiar – they find safety in the familiarity of this pattern. Even if they find themselves in an abusive situation, they can be stuck in a trauma-bonding cycle. Through this repetition, they wish to re-enact the same situation in order to feel in control, to conquer the childhood scenario with the narcissistic parent.
Whilst some people’s coping mechanism against the annihilation of the self caused by a dysfunctional background will be codependency, other people will drift away from the concept of empathy and vulnerability and become narcissistic rather than codependent. They emulate the narcissistic parent’s behaviour because they learn that they can only maintain control over situations through a manipulative approach. Echoist parents can also create echoist children, as they perpetuate the aversion towards attention, self-centredness, and uniqueness through shaming such behaviours.
Dear codependent,
Establish and reinforce healthy boundaries. Stand by your values. Be truthful to you. Seek external opinions and don’t allow anyone to isolate you from your loved ones. Having a support network can help you put things into perspective. Identifying, articulating, and respecting your dreams, ambitions, preferences, values, and sources of pleasure and joy, will lead to a shift towards empowerment.
– Recognise a toxic relationship or abusive situation and distance yourself.
Recognise red flags, toxic patterns of behaviour, and be aware of the power dynamic highlighted in this article. Does any of it feel familiar? Know that you are not alone and that you don’t need to perpetuate this vicious cycle. Do you like yourself when you are with your partner, do you like that version of you? Do you feel seen or do all conversations lead back to them? Re-evaluate what you need from a relationship. If you become aware of the fact that your relationship does not contribute to your well-being, ask for some breathing space, perhaps some time apart, away from the toxic environment, from their influence, so you can see things with fresh eyes. Reinforce your boundaries if they insist you should not stay away. Acknowledge how that dysfunctional relationship led to a distorted sense of self. If you feel angry or resentful, that is ok, it can be a sign that you acknowledge on some level that your boundaries have been crossed and you have your own needs you want them to be respected. Relinquish the need to control or “fix” your partner. Start by seeing where this need comes from and “fixing” yourself.
– Redefine yourself. Reclaim your sense of self.
Some factors that help in overcoming and recovering from codependency include: Meditation, reconnecting with yourself and/or exploring your identity through creativity (e.g. art, poetry, dancing), cathartic forms of self-expression (writing down your thoughts in a journal), giving yourself time to heal, seeking external help in the form of therapy (unravelling your relational patterns and identifying the source of the behaviour in a safe environment), having a support network.
– Visualise what a healthy relationship looks like.
Choose relationships that are likely to lead to personal growth. In healthy relationships you should be able to communicate your needs. A relationship should be nurturing and allow you to become your best self.
Dear narcissist,
The common belief is that you are unlikely to want to change. That you have wrapped yourself in a fortress, behind many psychological defences, which prevents you from wanting to dig deeper, to seek change or see the value in shifting towards a different mindset. However, there are self-aware, less extreme narcissists out there, who want to become better and to live better, rather than merely improving the surface, polishing the image, or engaging in a process of self-mythologising. Perhaps you are one of them. When you realise your relationships with others and with yourself seem to be problematic and ultimately detrimental to your well-being, this can constitute a catalyst that makes you see the value in change and in seeking meaningful connection and a more meaningful definition of self.
Diana Marin Digital 